Nothing to report

Squish is home. He and mama are doing great! I’m providing his childcare, so I still get to hang out with him during the week, which is super awesome.

I thought I would need some time before “opening” our home again, but I find myself excited for another little one. I guess I’m not as big a fan of sleep as I had thought. Originally I planned to stay closed for the duration of the trial home placement but we’re not sure how long it will actually be. It’s supposed to be 30 days, but the CW said something about it being until the next hearing, which isn’t until mid-May, which would make it a full 60 days. So who knows? I’m tempted to contact my support worker next week and let her know we’re ready to open again, especially since it seems to take forever to get a call in our area.

I want to take care of ALL THE BABIES!!

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Morning

Tomorrow I will wake up before 9, put the coffee on, make my breakfast (steel cut oats with blueberries and lemon zest), and bake some muffins to take to brunch playdate at a friend’s house. Squish will come at 10:30, mama and I will quickly chat about our weekends, and I’ll bundle up babe, muffins and myself and head over for some needed mama/baby playtime. And life will continue at a new pace, still as lovely as ever, with just a few adjustments.

My easy bedtime boy is starting to have nightly I-don’t-want-to-go-to-sleep-I-need-to-screech-like-a-pteryldactyl-and-try-to-get-my-feet-stuck-between-the-crib-bars-and-oh-hey-can-i-chew-on-my-toes-where-the-fuck-did-my-pacifier-go-I-need-to-blow-raspberries-with-it-in-my-mouth parties. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Feeling a bit emotional today. I got a little teary at our Music Together class today, because I realized it will likely be the last one I get to go to with Squish. I also picked up some larger bins in preparation for sorting and packing up all of the baby clothes, which I think I will work on this weekend.

Transitions

Squish is having his weekend visit with his mom and, gosh, I miss him. This is our second weekend of overnight visits and to be honest, the first weekend I was so excited about sleeping that I didn’t feel his absence as greatly as I do tonight. We’re visiting my family and on the two hour drive over I kept habitually looking back to his empty carseat, expecting those sleepy eyes and gummy grin that usually great me.

The reality that he will likely be back home for good in a little over a week is slowly seeping in but hasn’t fully “clicked” yet. I’m in this in-between place that is leaving me with some confusing, conflicting feelings to sort out. I feel myself withdrawing a little bit from Squish and it feels really shitty. I’m certainly not trying to, but I think it is my subconscious trying to protect and prepare me as I switch roles and routines. Transitions, man.

Overall I’m still excited. Excited for Squish and his mom. Excited for our developing friendship. Excited to be a part of their lives for a long time. Excited to sleep through the night on a regular basis. But there’s this little grey shadow of sadness lining all of that excitement. Bittersweet.

Quiet

Oh how I enjoy the last hour of my day. After sending my guys off to bed I switch off the baby monitor and bask in the luxurious quiet of my living room. Just the gentle sounds of the furnace kicking on and the cat snoring on the sofa next to me. This well deserved and long waited for hour at the end of each day will lose its reverence shortly when Squish returns home, and idle, quiet time will be in surplus once again. While I will still be seeing Squish regularly and providing his childcare during the week, this final hour will lose it’s sweetness as the glorious quiet of a sleeping baby becomes the simple silence of an empty house. Until the stork calls again, that is.